Rent Trouble and Rest

Yesterday, I woke up in a worship mood. Today, Sunday, was not the case. Today, I woke up asking God why I’m struggling so much when I’m doing what he told me to do.
I have not paid the rent for February. Now, March rent is due and I’m still $250 short of what I need for February. As of right now, I need about $1500 in 4 days. And all God keeps saying is,

“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength…” Isaiah 30:15 NIV

In the last several months, I have lost my car and my mother’s house. It has been extremely difficult, but in a strange way, it has also been amazing. My relationship with God has grown in a huge way. I’m learning about him being my loving father and my living water. He has really wanted me to believe him as my stability. Every day, I’ve tried to remind myself who he is to me and for me. But, in times like this, it is hard not to think I’m crazy.

I want a freaking job. But, God keeps telling me to work what he’s put in front of me. That’s fine. The problem is what he’s put in front of me is not paying the bills. His response is, “I know it’s not. I am.”

Today, I had to catch the bus to church. I had to be there early to serve our high school ministry. On the first bus, I requested the stop and the bus just kept going. I walked up to the driver and he did not apologize. He just motioned where he would stop for me to get off. Now, I’m a little perturbed.

As I walk to the stop where I have to catch the second bus, I see a homeless man picking up scooters. I hoped I could just walk by but he spotted me coming down the sidewalk and stretched his arms wide. It actually made me smile. I got closer and looked into his eyes. He reminded me of my stepfather. I engaged in a sweet conversation with him about God and his love. I usually don’t give money in these situations but my heart was moved. Then, he sang a worship song by Matt Redman to me. As I’m listening, I look to my left and see the bus I’m trying to catch. “Oh, that’s my bus,” I said to the man. I tried to catch it but it was too late. The homeless man even ran in the middle of the street to try to stop the bus. This only irritated the driver and she left anyway. I thanked the man for trying. As I walked away, the man said, “You didn’t waste time.”

I caught another bus, to another transfer, to another bus. While sitting in my seat, I couldn’t help but think how this situation was exactly what I was talking to God about when I woke up this morning. Here I am. I was talking with a homeless man about God, listening to his worship and end up missing my bus. I tried to remind myself that I could be homeless. But when I think of my current rent situation, dern it! I’m pretty close.

I do trust that God will come through. He always does. My prayer is that I don’t have to answer for him. I have no idea what to say to the landlord if he calls. How do I keep calm if I come back from work one day this week and there’s a 3 day eviction notice on my door. I’ve had to deal with this on a few occasions. I’m trying to do it God’s way but this is freaking hard.

How do I rest in this mess??!!

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