Lately, I’m noticing a familiar pattern.
Ten years ago, I struggled with getting up in the morning. Getting dressed and fixing my hair seemed like pointless chores. My days were filled with watching TV reruns and YouTube videos. I went to work and came back feeling empty and defeated. If I didn’t have any jobs, I never left the apartment. Most days were spent alone without ever speaking to another human. Text messages were only about work from people who needed something. The need to eat was often ignored except when I thought it would fill the emptiness in my soul. I hated laying down to go to sleep at night because the silence gave voice to my anger, frustration and sadness. Then, I’d wake up the next day and do it all over again.
Today, it’s the same thing.
I’m wondering, “Why am I in the same place or worse than I was ten years ago?”
The Loneliness
The hardest part of this season is not having anyone to talk to about what I’m feeling. This is true for two reasons.
1. Living a life of faith is crazy. I’ve made some life altering decisions that seem crazy. Even I look at my life and know things could be better if I chose a different path. But I know what God told me and I’m trying to be obedient. There aren’t a lot of people that are crazy enough to live like this. I could really use a conversation of encouragement from someone who’s been in this position.
2. Living a life of faith is lonely. Unfortunately, my obedience does not make sense to the real world which includes people who know and love me. In the beginning, it was easy to talk to people close to me about what I was going through. But as time went on, it grew difficult to say the same thing over and over. So, I avoid conversations. I hate when people ask how I’m doing. They don’t really want to hear the answer to that question. The truth is I’m tired of living this way just as much as others would be tired of hearing it.
This is why it’s easier to be alone. It’s not that I want to look like I have it all together. I just don’t want to look like I’m always having a pity party. And, I definitely don’t want people to think I’m inviting them.
When does it end?
Every time I think things are about to get better, they get worse or nothing changes. Something will give me a little hope but it fizzles with no progress. It’s like a cycle that I’ve been in for the last 15 years. Yes. I’ve been in this crap for 15 years. At this point, I feel foolish and rightfully so. And, that foolishness just adds to the painful darkness I live in on a daily basis.
But, somehow, I’m holding on to God’s promises. It’s hard to see him in this darkness. My ears are straining to hear him and the voice of truth over the cries of reality. I’ve done everything I know to do. All that’s left is his word. So, I guess it ends when he comes through.