This is an example of why I do my podcast. Sharing the truth about our pain is difficult but cathartic and can lead to healing.
I lost my mother’s house last year.
Yes, along with my car, I lost my mother’s house. I became one of those people who couldn’t pay the taxes on a family home and lost it. I was devastated. I was angry. I had come close to losing it in the past but after a lot of prayer and a personal bank loan, I was able to save it. This time, I was out of options. I truly believed God would do something and he didn’t. I had to tell my stepfather (who I love and who had his leg amputated only two years ago) that he would have to move soon.
I tried to hold out hope. Even after the deadline had passed, I thought maybe God would get me the money so my stepfather could stay in the house. Instead, God said it was more important for me to stay focused. The house was never actually mine in the legal sense. It wasn’t even my stepfather’s. It had not felt like home for me in 25 years since losing my Mama. I was desprately trying to hold on to something out of obligation created by others. So, I let it go. I cried, but I let it go. I just hoped that God would not put me in the position again with the other house I was paying taxes on.
Well, he did.
Today, I called to check on the redemption value to pay for another house where someone is renting from my family for basically pennies. I have been saving for months to try to pay it off. My heart sank as the lady told me an amount more than double what I saved. Once again, I’m trying to figure out how this will be paid or if it will be paid. I’m still struggling to pay my rent. The worst part is knowing I am doing the best I can and being obedient to the crazy crap, God has told me to do and not do. But I keep ending up in the same mess. What the freak am I doing wrong??!!!
I AM TIRED, GOD!!!
A few hours before writing this, I did an episode, for my podcast, about staying in rhythm with God. Well, this song is old. I am tired of trying not to be scared. I’m tired of hoping that I heard God right. I’m tired of wondering if he’ll come through this time. I’m tired of working on vision while everything else is crashing around me. I’m over it. I’m losing everything and looking like a fool.
But, I Still Have Hope
For the last year I have been speaking Romans 15:13 almost every day. It has been a constant prayer.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.Romans 15:13 KJV
I almost wish I had not been praying this prayer over myself. The conflicting feelings of peace and frustration are extremely difficult during moments like these. I want to be scared but I keep hearing it’s going to be ok. I want to be angry but God’s love keeps whispering in my ear. I trust Him but I hate when my trust in him negatively affects the lives of others.
Then, I am reminded that God has a plan for everyone’s life. If the issues from my obedience are a part of a plan for someone else, who am I to tell God how to do his job? The effects still hurt. I still have nightmares about losing my mother’s house. I wake up in tears and horror. I don’t want to go through this anymore.
I’m trying to continue to trust. I’m trying to continue to believe. Right now, less than four hours after the call from the beginning of this post, I just want to wallow. Then I feel bad for wallowing. I feel like I’m losing some battle over my day and productivity.
The cycle seems endless.
But, God, PLEASE end this!