Inspired by Genesis 27:5-17
I did not have a good relationship with my Mama. She was a great provider but, not too good of a nurturer. Our arguments were more like verbal archery contests where I was the board and her insults were the darts. Mama was a pretty good shot. In my book, I talk about some of the physical trauma I experienced by her hands. Through it all, however, her love was never a question for me.
She always told me she loved me. She just didn’t know how to show it. I didn’t know how to receive it. This along with her mental illness, was the root of our problems.
Excerpt from Liberated From The Hill
We decided to call a truce as I approached my senior year of high school. But that truce would never happen. I lost my Mama in a car accident during Spring Break. Mama died but my mother survived. A woman with my mother’s face, body and voice, came home after a three month hospital stay, with no memory of ever having a daughter. With my brother in prison, I became a caregiver at the age of 16.
My mother didn’t remember much past her teenage years. So, moving her in with my grandfather became necessary for her healing. She was always a daddy’s girl. God introduced me to this young woman who eventually became the Mama I lost. This could have been an opportunity of a lifetime for others. But for a teenage girl, this was torture. Living in a house that wasn’t my home, but clearly home to my mother. Looking into the eyes of someone who used to love me but now, sees me as a stranger. Longing for a connection that died on a highway.
Honor your father and mother
My relationship with God hit some of its lowest points during my caregiving years. I struggled to understand why God would allow this to happen to me. On one hand, I kept hearing the line from the 10 Commandments about honoring your parents and how God would bless you. Then I came across another scripture that was more relatable at the time.
For a brief moment I abandoned you..
Isaiah 54:7
This was more accurate except the moment was not brief. My mother came home when I was 16 and I took care of her for the next 16 years. I felt so abandoned by God during those early years. Then, someone said something to me that made me think.
God chose to put us in the family we’re in, for better or for worse. Our blood/childhood family is a part of life that we cannot choose. This is who we were assigned to and this is who was assigned to us. So, if you can’t honor them, honor God by respecting them. And pray for revelation of what we’re to learn from our assignment.
Lessons from the assignment
One of the major things I learned immediately following my mother’s death was that she was a woman before she was my Mama. Caregiving gave me a peak into the past. I saw her personality in a way I had not seen during the first 16 years of my life. Her likes, dislikes, humor and other traits were nothing like mine. It made me understand our clashes a bit better.
I also learned about some of her dreams. Being a parent was never some deep seeded desire of hers. It was an expectation of the time in which she lived. This probably affected many of her actions when it came to parenting me and my brother. I couldn’t judge my mother anymore. How could I judge a woman I never knew?
At the end of the day, parents are individuals first. They are humans which make them imperfect. Their love is imperfect. This means their decisions may not always be right because they come out of an imperfect love. But God’s love is perfect and he is always right. He did not make a mistake giving you the family you have. He assigned them to you with wisdom and a purpose.
Pray to understand the purpose.
For more on this story, check out my book Liberated From The Hill!
Get your signed copy here.
WOW, another sisterly connection. Not the same scenario, my mom was awesome. Genuinely loved her daughters and worked very hard to provide for us, mostly on her own, since my dad was shell shocked in the armed services. My mom was the ultimate example of what caregiving embraced and the sacrifices that come along with it.
Our connection is caregiver. I, too, became a caregiver around the age of 16 and often wondered, God , why me? Your statement , God chose to put us in the family we’re in for better or worse. He has a purpose in everything He does. I didn’t see it at the time but while going through, I was astute enough to ask, God, what lesson do you want me to learn from this? Leading me to understand and embrace my purpose of service and encourager. For the better part of the rest of my teenage years throughout adulthood, I have been a caregiver in one form or another, to my dad, mom, sister, aunts and uncles.
My experiences make it possible for me to empathize and encourage my friends and family who now walk that journey.
So, glad to share with another caregiver. The caregiving journey is one not often talked about and definitely does not get enough attention. But, I’m glad I went on the journey. I wouldn’t choose it BUT I wouldn’t change it.