I have been working towards a vision God promised me, for years. But it feels like I’ve been going through the same cycle over and over again. And it leaves me feeling hopeless.
In 2007, God told me I would never have another full-time regular job again. The first time he said it, the news tickled my ears. The idea seemed logical because he promised that I would be an actress. So having regular jobs would end at some point. He was right. Ever since I lost my job a few months after he told me, I have never been able to get a full-time position anywhere. I’ve been on interviews and received offers…only to have them rescinded for some inexplicable reason. This would be fine if his promise had been fulfilled. But 17 years later, I’m still waiting on my first, paid acting role.
This is how the cycle started. God told me to do something crazy. I did it. There would be some positive results for a short period of time. But ultimately, I’m still waiting.
God Prolongs the Promise
People often talk about the 10 plagues of Egypt that freed the Children of Israel. I had not really read the story until I decided to do a season focused on Exodus for my podcast. There was one phrase repeated throughout the passage that really bothered me.
But the LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the LORD had said to Moses.
Exodus 9:12
God promised Moses that he would bring the Israelites out of bondage. Then he told Moses and Aaron to do crazy things like touch the water with a staff or throw dust in the air in front of Pharaoh. They obeyed and miraculous plagues pummeled the Egyptians. But none of them mattered because God already made Pharaoh so stubborn that he wouldn’t let the Israelites go. Over and over again, they went through this cycle. When I got to the sixth plague, I wondered if or when the Children of Israel began to lose hope.
I’m Feeling Hopeless
Today, I walked into my apartment and lost it.
I’m in a very familiar place (read it here.) My rent is three months past due. I’m working as hard as I can but just not making enough. I’ve definitely grown to a place where I’m not as anxious about it anymore. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m tired.
I really expected to return from work to a 3-day notice on the apartment door. It may seem strange but I actually wanted to see it because it would bring some finality to this limbo I feel like I’m in. Financially, God has to step in and make a way out of no way in this situation. But not seeing the notice means another day of waiting…and I’m tired.
So, after a long day of mishaps, losing things and getting lost, I came back to a blank door. Maybe I should have been grateful. But I was mad. I walked into the apartment, snatched everything out of my bag and hurled the items across the room. Most of it was from my vision notebook with business plans and ideas. I threw it so hard that the rings opened and paper flew out of the binder.
Waiting is hard. Feeling hopeless is natural. Anger is human. All of this is true but truer still is God’s love.
He knows what he’s doing. God also knows me. So he’ll put up with my tantrum. And I will continue to pray, trust and believe.
I pray the following verse regularly.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13