Monday After the Repossession

I sat on the steps of a random building in my neighborhood. I listened to the representative tell me everything needed to get the car back. I ended the call and began walking again. My only thought was, ‘This is not worth it.’ I still stood by the ultimatum I gave God. I needed to see his hand in this situation since I felt like I was in this because of him. So many things were going through my head as I walked down the sidewalk. I couldn’t think straight.

I walked through the empty parking space, back into my apartment and sat on the sofa. I had to make some decisions about things that affected other people. I cancelled a job I had, that required having a vehicle. I texted a client to inform them I could work but I could not travel.
“Car trouble,” I said.

I fought back tears. I began to question everything I thought I heard from God. Was I really that crazy? Did I think I had a relationship with him that I really didn’t? My entire life, particularly the last 13 years, has been based on one promise I thought he made.

I hate wallowing. So, I wanted to take some immediate steps to alleviate the situation. Then, I thought about a Priscilla Shirer video I saw on Instagram the Friday before they got the car.

Do what he’s put in front of you to do today.” -Priscilla Shirer

The first thing that popped in my head was the book I have been working on. It is an 11 year-old project that I am half way through. Recently, an email from a friend, inspired me to push through and finish it. I began working on it again but at a lazy pace. “Fine,” I said. I would spend the rest of the afternoon writing. So, I walked to the library and got to work. I finished a chapter and saved the document.

I’m still in a weird place. The most frustrating part of this ordeal is the peace I want to fight. I have no transportation in a city where it is absolutely necessary. I am not making enough money in the three jobs I have. My rent is due in a week and I don’t even have half the amount I need.
I scream at God. “And, I’m just supposed to be OK with this?!!”
“Yeah. You are,” he replies. “Because I am…that I am.”

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