Loving God Ain't Easy - Page 5 of 8

Daniel Fast Day 21- Lessons

Menu- oatmeal, spinach salad, almond butter balls, veggie pasta

I decided to read all of my entries from the diary on this last day. I looked over all of my notes. I thought about the encounters I had and lessons I learned. I noticed my theme of this Daniel Fast was really sewn throughout these last three weeks. I wanted more of God’s glory, so that I could be more spiritually effective in life. For this to happen, I had to come to a true understanding of the theme verse.

“He must increase, but I must decrease.”
John 3:30 KJV

What I’ve Learned

There was a recurring phrase in my daily entries. “This isn’t about me. It’s about him.” I wrote the thought in response to various situations that occurred. I faced the statement when I had to apologize to a co-worker (Day 11). The statement popped up again when I faced the real reason I was blogging (Day 19). Over and over, God reminded me to focus on him and not myself. If I want his glory, I must do things for his glory.

Another recurring point was making time for him. I found myself in foul moods and bad days when I had not made time to experience the presence of God. Day 10 taught me something new that results from being in God’s presence, particularly after you’ve repented.

“…the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord;”
Acts 3:19

Knowing that I can be refreshed by God’s presence is so beautiful. This adds a new dimension to our relationship. I am moved to spend more time with him in a meaningful way. It also provides me another recourse when the day is not going like I planned or I find myself feeling out of sorts.

What I’ll Do

Initially, I did not think this Daniel Fast was going well. I just did this fast a few months ago with some entertainment industry people of faith. That fast was amazing. From day 1, I felt God’s presence. I saw God’s glory. I heard his voice. Things happened during those 21 days, that were clearly his spirit moving in my life.

Things weren’t as clear during this fast. I had to make an effort to see and hear him clearly. I had to actually seek him. I had to look at adjustments I need to make, to experience the true power of our relationship.

This has been amazing too. The truth is fasting will always bring some type of result. Denying the flesh empowers the spirit. This moves God in ways we do not understand. I understand more than I did 21 days ago. I know the powerful effects of being in his presence. I am motivated to go deeper in my time with him.

Yes, this has been worth it. Spending time focused on him is always worth it!

Daniel Fast Day 20- The Test of Waiting

Menu- orange, trail mix, almond butter balls, roasted veggies

“She got a role in a series from this.”
The words stung. I was sitting with a director of a student film as we copied the footage she had of my performance. She told me that her audience raved about my performance in particular. She said although my role was small, they could not take their eyes off me. I had nailed it. I was flattered.

Then she told me the lead actress had just been cast in a series from her performance in the film. “Wow,” I replied. “She was really good. She did an excellent job.” My heart froze for a moment.

I forced myself to be happy for this very talented young woman. I fought the strong urge to be bitter towards God. On the way to meet this director, I had just heard God say, “You’re so close. You’re so close.”
Was he just talking about the meeting place to get my footage?

To add salt to the wound, due to technical problems, I could not retrieve the footage that I had just drove 30 minutes to get in the first place! So, in my flesh, I wanted to scream, “You made me drive all this way just to hear about someone else being blessed with exactly what I’ve been begging you for??!!”

God heard my thoughts and answered, “Yes.”

My focus for last year’s Daniel Fast was my acting career. I wanted my career to go ‘further faster’ by ‘divine acceleration’ in 2018. I had heard that message by Joel Osteen the year before. A year had past and I was still waiting. Though I saw some spiritual progress in my entertainment connections, nothing had come in the form of actual roles except this student film. Somehow, I was not discouraged.

As this Daniel Fast ends, I am still not discouraged. Somehow, I have more hope and more expectation. I realize my focus, last year, was a bit vain. I was impatient and frustrated. I tried to hide it with spiritual intentions but in the end, it was just vanity. Today, I understand the wait. I am clear on how to wait.

“I wait for the LORD, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope.”
Psalm 130:5 KJV

Every part of me must wait including my mind and body. I cannot dwell on how someone else has received their blessing. I must dwell on God’s word to me. God made promises to me about my acting career. His promises are guarantees.

“For all the promises of God are yea, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us.”
2 Corinthians 1:20 KJV

There’s that phrase again. Yes, he will fulfill his promise to me but it will be for his glory.
And isn’t his glory, what I’m seeking first?

Daniel Fast Day 19- Am I using my gift right?

Menu- Orange, blackberry spinach salad, almond butter balls, veggie fried rice

I found myself in a foul mood this morning. This can be attributed to various reasons or maybe nothing particular. Sometimes, you just wake up feeling like crap. Regardless, I knew I had to shake it. I could not go into the world with this. It could permeate the rest of my day and I did not want that.

I began going through my thank you’s but remembered what I had learned in Day 17. I read my Daniel Fast devotion for the day. I noted the garlic metaphor regarding how Christians must be mindful how they carry themselves in the world.

“For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one, we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life…”
II Corinthians 2:14-15 NIV

I had to fix this mood. So, I began repeating Psalm 118:24 over and over again. God had given me this day! I had a responsibility to rejoice. I had a responsibility to be glad. I thought about his benefits in Psalm 103.

“who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things…”
Psalm 103:3-5 NIV

There was his love again. It brought me to my knees. There, I began to love on him with thanksgiving. This gave way to his presence and a chance for us to chat about something.

Why am I writing this blog?
Is it for attention? For likes and comments? Is it to build my brand?
The answer is yes to all of those questions. But it’s the wrong answer.

God has given me a gift of writing. He also gave me a vision for the gift. But, I have become impatient with how long it’s taking for the vision to manifest. I started this blog to exercise my writing skill. I also started it to gain an audience. However, that is not why God wanted me to start this blog. He never wants us doing something to bring glory to ourselves. We do things to bring glory to him.

“If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power…”
I Peter 4:11 NIV

He called me out on my pride. This isn’t about me. It’s about him. God-given gifts are meant to be lights that lead people to him. He gives them to us because he trusts that we will use them correctly. I have betrayed that trust.

I decided I need to look at the purpose of my blog and book in a whole new way. I will not write to gain likes and readers. I will write to touch the one reader for whom the message is meant.

Changing my mentality regarding writing is not simple. I told God, “I really need your help to do this. I need to understand how to do this.” He has led me to do a very interesting study. I’m going to start looking at the first few verses of every book after the Gospels in the New Testament. Those verses tend to focus on why the author is writing their letter. I want to take note of their desires for the people they are writing to. This fuels the content of their writing. It will teach me how to rightfully use this gift.

I’m excited about this study. I will share my findings in future posts.
Stay tuned!

Daniel Fast Day 18- A Familiar Foe

Menu- oatmeal w/raisins, apples & almonds, seasoned chard, roasted veggies

I sit quietly, staring at the ripped open envelopes. They were dated but somehow still managed to shake my peace of mind. I feel stiff. I feel weighted. I feel that old, familiar adversary sneaking up to attack.
Anxiety.

I know how to fight it now. It is not as debilitating anymore. In the past, I would allow it in my psyche and spirit. Today, I fight back. Today, I immediately got on my knees and reminded God of his Word. I reminded myself of his promises.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7 NKJV

In this moment, I still feel a little weighted but somehow at peace. I refuse to worry about things that are out of my control. I must do only what I can and leave the rest in God’s hands. I trust him to do what he said. I trust his love for me will ensure that every situation is handled.

This is not easy. It’s a battle. But, it’s a battle that I’m guaranteed to win.

“For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you…to give you victory.”
Deuteronomy 20:4 NIV

Daniel Fast Day 17- Is Thank You enough?

Menu- quinoa salad, almond butter balls, veggie pasta and tomatoes

I woke up with a a praise on my lips these last couple of days. The old devotion song rang in my ears. “Bless that wonderful name of Jesus.” I repeated it yesterday as I got ready for work. I said it to myself, over and over, as I did my job duties. This morning, I repeated it as I prepped a meal for later. “Oh, bless that wonderful name of Jesus.”

I try to start each day off in gratitude. I remember that getting up is a gift. Many were not so lucky. I thank God for the basic checklist:

activity of my limbs
senses- sight, hearing, etc.
sound mind
shelter
clothes
food

I acknowledge all of those things with an attitude of gratitude…but not necessarily with an attitude of praise.
There is a difference.

It is the idea of appreciation versus admiration. I can appreciate the good deed of a stranger but not admire them. The terms imply two different types of relationships. If one does not know God but recognizes his work in their life, then a simple, “thank you,” will suffice.

But when you know him…

These past couple days have made me look at my morning routine. I did not realize that my daily ‘thank you’s’ were basic and not representative of my relationship with the one I love. He is so much more than my provider. He is my loving Father. He does not give me what I need because I need it. He gives it to me because he loves me.

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hands…”
Isaiah 49:15-16

I have not done a good job of maintaining the praise that I woke up with, throughout the day. I have allowed the tasks and honestly, a lot of useless information to cloud my vision of him. But he sees me clearly, everyday, on the palm of his hands. He specifically placed me there. I forget about him throughout the day, but he never forgets.

I may not wake up everyday with this beautiful attitude of praise I’ve had the last two days. I may be tempted to slip back into mere gratitude. At those moments, I must stop. I have to remind myself that this is the one I love. This is the one who opens his hands and sees my face. He deserves my admiration. He deserves my love.

(For more on God’s Love, this devotion is a great explanation of his love for us. https://www.first15.org/07/30/god-is-a-loving-father/ )

Daniel Fast Day 16- It’s Working

Menu- grapefruit, spinach apple salad, roasted root vegetables (so good)

Sunday

My pastor mentioned that we face “11 unknown months.” That sounded so scary to me. Then he responded with a verse.

“…Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9

A few days ago (Day 13), I talked about my desire to hold on to past accomplishments and success because of a fear that I would not accomplish anything else again. In this moment I’m realizing how deep that fear is.

Monday

Today, I handled a work situation pretty well. My goal was to be sincerely respectful but honest. The result was positive.

A neighborhood sign I saw during a walk on Saturday

Later, I was presented with another confrontation. I saw an email that angered me due to the sender’s attempt to take advantage of me and other residents. I made a decision to handle it tomorrow however a phone call prevented me from doing so. It was extremely difficult not to resort to the bad attitude I had become accustomed to in my youth. I wanted to be sarcastic. I wanted my disapproval to be heard through my tone. But dern it, God wouldn’t let me. My spirit wouldn’t let me. This fast is working.

The whole point of a fast is to deny your flesh, so your spirit becomes stronger. I am trying to fill up on the Word of God for these last 5-7 days. I want to learn more about faith and God’s glory. But, God also wants me to see myself clearly. He wants me to adjust some things about my character to better reflect the glory I’m trying to experience.

Daniel Fast Day 14- Kirk Franklin’s Love Theory

Menu- roasted breakfast potatoes, blackberry spinach salad, pasta & tomatoes

I always tell people my relationship is a little different from the average Christian. It goes beyond church, reading the Bible and even this Daniel Fast. All of those things are fueled by the fact that I am completely, totally, madly in love Jesus. Yes, I got saved a few days before I turned 11 years old. But, I didn’t really start getting to know him until I was 17. Two years later, I was head over heels in love. It has been a wild and amazing ride.

I grew up on Gospel music but I cannot say it always provided a soundtrack to my relationship with God. There have been a few songs that came close to my feelings for him. BeBe & CeCe Winans’ Addictive Love is a beautiful example. However, I found that most Gospel artists, as most Christians, seemed to be focused on what they wanted God to do for them. The lyrics spoke of this powerful, way-making God. He is. But for me, he’s that and so much more.

Then, Kirk Franklin came out with Fight of My Life. I purchased the CD and was in tears for almost half of the album. The lyrics were brutally honest about what a relationship with God was like. It spoke about the hurt that one can experience when the love of your life lets you down. It also told how that same love was life-changing and unshakable. I was officially a Kirk Franklin fan.

Yesterday, Kirk Franklin came out with a new single. I was hesitant at first. I am very particular about what music I am willing to spend my money on. I only buy what I think I will listen to, for life. Though I’m a fan, a few of Kirk Franklin’s projects have not been appealing to me. I decided to check out his video release. Boy, was I pleasantly surprised!
There is finally a song that captures the love I have for the God I serve.

Love Theory is a beat-infused love song filled with adoring lyrics and production that is (dare I say) sexy. I found myself snapping my fingers, bopping my head and closing my eyes as I danced with my Savior.

Yes, I dance with him.

As I stated, my relationship with God is very different. He is not just a being in the sky. He is very real. He is tangible. I wish I could articulate what I’ve discovered about his nature. It is what makes me love him so much. As I learn more, I love him more. I identify with the bridge lyrics from Love Theory.

Loving you will be the death of me. That’s how it’s supposed to be. More of you, less of me.
Kirk Franklin

The last line has actually been the theme verse of this Daniel Fast. It is what I desire from God for me and my career. It is my prayer.

“He must increase, but I must decrease.”
John 3:30

Daniel Fast Day 13- Letting Go with Legos

Menu- orange, oatmeal w/raisins, apples & almonds, quinoa salad, pear

I was playing Legos with a 3-year old this evening. I started building this abstract little throne. I chose the colors and size of blocks carefully. I stacked them with attention to dimension. When I finished, I was very proud of my little project.

Then I proceeded to build another project. This time I chose one from the pictures on the Lego bag. They were easy forms and used minimal blocks. But as I started building, I realized that some of the blocks I needed were part of the throne I had made. I searched through the block pile on the floor but had no luck. If I wanted to build this new project, I would have to take my last project apart to get the pieces I needed.

Here’s the crazy thing. I was not willing to do that.

For some reason, I could not bring myself to break down an insignificant, little Lego chair. I felt like I had worked so hard on it. I wanted to look at it for a little bit longer. I wanted to enjoy my own creation as long as I could. There was this very minuscule part of me that wanted this stupid throne to last forever.

Then my spirit began to have a moment. I realized this was how I approached many aspects of my life. I want to hold on to the last accomplishment as long as possible. I have a very difficult time letting go of it. Now, I realize I want to hold on because I’m afraid I will not accomplish anything else. There is a very minuscule part of me that is afraid that God will not do what he said he would do regarding my career.

“Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.”
Isaiah 43:19 KJV

God is like the parent with their children playing Legos. He is trying to get us to build something new but we keep whining about what we have in the moment.
“No, that’s mine!”
“I want it.”
“I’m using that.”
He is lovingly trying to get us to understand that he has something better. If we would just let go and trust him. Though we hear him, we cannot let go of the seen for the unseen. I hear Jesus repeating the question he asked the disciples when he calmed the storm.

“Where is your faith?”
Luke 8:25 KJV

It took a long time for me to begin trusting God the way he longs for us to trust him. I have come a long way as I have learned more about his character. Our relationship has gone through some changes but his love has remained the same. I can honestly say that I love him more than I ever thought I could. It is that love for him and his unfathomable love for me that enables me to trust him more than ever.

Daniel Fast Day 12- I hurt him.

Menu- grapefruit, quinoa salad, minestrone soup and too many cashews

Self-control is a beast. It is a discipline that must be learned. It is difficult at best and seemingly impossible at worst. Most importantly, it is a fruit of the spirit that identifies a Christian. Sometimes I have it. Sometimes I don’t.

I’m a little more than halfway through the fast and my struggle is very clear. Time management. Today, I had hours to spend with God and I honestly did not know what to do. I have become so accustomed to playing around on YouTube to pass the time. Now that YouTube is off the table, I realize just how much time it was taking. I find that I am trying to fill the time with other online activity. Not good. Not God.

Part of the problem is the false sense of connection the internet provides. You post something and people respond through likes and comments. You communicate with friends and family through emails. Masterfully photographed pictures of beautiful places make you feel like you’re there. But it’s all fake.

Then, there’s the real God trying to get your attention. We ignore him because he’s not physically tangible. This leads to his voice and his touch being easily dismissed.

I don’t want to do that to him. It hurts me when I am dismissed. Imagine how he feels.

“In all their distress he too was distressed…in his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old. Yet they rebelled and grieved his Holy Spirit…”
Isaiah 63:9-10 NIV

I screwed up today. I wasted time that should have been spent with him. Our time is too valuable to waste on useless information and fake connections. AND to make matters worse, I just talked about spending more time with him a few days ago! (Day 7)

Self-control will now be a prayer focus for the remainder of the fast. Forget all the stuff I want for my career. I’ll lose it anyway, if I’m not disciplined.
So first things first.

“…clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.”
Romans 13:14

Daniel Fast Day 11- Wake Up Call

Menu- Oatmeal w/apples, almonds & raisins, grapefruit, cashews, quinoa salad, minestrone soup.

It was a long day but I learned something quite valuable about myself. I may be able to get up early but having to get up at 3:00 AM is my ‘Have a Snickers’ breaking point. I was quite irritable with my micromanaging boss this morning. I really wanted to slap her every time she spoke to me. I continuously tried to cover with the sarcastic smile that did not disguise my feelings in the moment. At one point, I even tried to step away and ask God to give me strength. Instead, he told me to apologize to her before I leave.

WHAT??!!!

This is what fasting will get you. As I said yesterday (Day 10), I am much more sensitive to God’s will for my life and who he wants me to be, due to denying the flesh its desires. As I tried to get out of this apology, I kept hearing a song’s refrain from more than 25 years ago. “And they’ll know we are Christians by our love!”

“By this everyone will know you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
John 13:35 NIV

This apology wasn’t about me. This was about Christ who I represent. It was particularly important with this person who knows I am a Jesus Lover. I am also aware that I could be the only Jesus she sees. I was not accountable for her attitude. I was accountable for mine.

“Be kind and helpful to one another, tender-hearted [compassionate, understanding], forgiving one another [readily and freely], just as God in Christ also forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:32 AMP

There has to be a difference between Christ followers and unbelievers. Our reactions to poor behavior must be love. It cannot be explained. It most likely will not be deserved. But that’s grace. It’s the same grace we receive everyday from God. So, how dare I attempt to debate God on why I shouldn’t apologize for my bad attitude. My apology isn’t just to her, it’s to him. It’s to the breath of God that is within her and all of us.

So, before I walked out the door, I stopped. I looked her in the eyes and said, “Please forgive my irritable attitude this morning.” I apologized sincerely. She smiled with a look of surprise and appreciation and said, “No problem. I understand. I’m the same way.” I smiled back and walked to my car, feeling God’s loving presence and knowing he was pleased.